i am most vulnerable when i am singing in church. the atmosphere and the energy is so amazing. when i went on saturday night i felt so content, like nothing in the entire world could have severed how perfect that moment was. the closest i get to that feeling is listening to the music and being taken back, but nothing compares to the real experience. i am definitely an emotional person, but everything spills out when i’m in that exact situation. i love praising jesus with my best friends. i can be hard to crack and express feeling but that is an automatic entry into my heart. nothing beats it
music is so heavy that it’s legitimately tough for me to listen to it sometimes. like i’m incapable of comfortably listening to it because i will probably crack. is that weird.
tonight was a very great night. i am home for the weekend so i spent the day with my family and then hungout with my friends. jess and i were back at our old shenanigans and being away from home makes you appreciate it so much. i’ve only been gone for a week and being back home is so amazing. it’s so comfortable and i don’t have to try. it’s so natural. at school i find myself changing to impress people and blend in but i can be 100% me here and i love it. we went to church with nick, cory, and vincent, and seeing those boys was awesome. they’re some of my closest friends and i am so grateful for being able to share the service with some great people - alyssa, hannah, izzy, and taylor were also with us. it was a good group and an even better message. the music though, i was getting so into it. vincent and i always go so hard. but really it was so powerful and jess and my favorite song played and that hit me so hard. then when “how he loves” played, i thought of courtney and it took every ounce of my body to stop from crying, because everything was so perfect in that moment but courtney wasn’t there. there was a piece missing. twelve years of her there through everything and all of a sudden she is yanked from me. i was very overwhelmed with all of these emotions at once - including wanting to freeze the exact moment because it was too perfect, missing courtney, and being thankful for all of my friends. it was a nice service. so it finished and we all went to brizio’s and laughed a lot and it just reminded me of high school summed up. me and some good friends laughing/crying over pizza. it was good. we listened to music as we drove to boba and met alyssa & katie there, also two very amazing people. the music was so strong and awesome and the boba was tasty and the conversations were genuine. i had so many moments and epiphanies tonight and i really appreciate everything here. i know it seems like you just want to get out but you’ll do anything to have it back again. they say your college friends become your best friends while you lose contact with your high school ones, but what if i don’t want that to be true? i’m perfectly content with the friends i have now, i’m ecstatic even. it’s easy to meet people in college, but it’s hard to really click with them the way you did with the people you did high school with. the biggest four years where you grow like crazy. i am thankful and i am sad that this is temporary because i miss it. but i love my friends. i love you guys
being a teenager is freaking incredible. I am not growing up ever. xo